Black Tuesday

Seriously. What is it about a Tuesday? Don’t you just hate a Tuesday? Surely, everybody hates a Tuesday. You cannot tell me that you didn’t wake up this morning and think: “Oh effing hell. It’s only Tuesday.”

It doesn’t matter if you hate your job, love your job (I do by the way) or if you don’t have a job. This day is out to get you.

The house that you spent all Saturday cleaning already looks a mess. The carpet needs yet another hoover and you do not want to look at the dishes in the sink. You’re too pissed off to do anything about it and you feel inexplicably tired. Why are all these things happening? Don’t worry. It’s not you. It’s Tuesday.

Even the way Tuesday sounds depresses me. Chews-day. That’s exactly what it does. Chews you up and spits you out. The bastard. Can’t we just skip the whole bloody thing and jump straight to Wednesday? Let’s all agree on this, it’s a pointless day. No one is going to make a life changing decision today – no one!

Now, I hate a Monday just as much as the next person. But Monday at least prepares you, there is no avoiding Monday. Sunday nights are filled with the sick feeling of the dreaded Monday, lurking dangerously in the dawning horizon. Tuesday on the other hand, well that just comes right up to you and punches you on the nose. You were far too tired to prepare for it the night before.

People expect great things from you today. Yes, you can feel it can’t you? All that anticipation buzzing in the air. Yesterday was a day to be dopey and tired from the weekend. Today is, in the eyes of others, supposed to bring new life and bright ideas. A spark of energy coursing through your veins. From where? Whatever energy you had was well and truly sucked out by Monday.

Can you imagine if Monday married Tuesday and you invited them to a dinner party? Talk about unlikable and dull. And they know it. They bloody well know how much we all hate them and they relish in it. It’s the family friends or relatives you simply have to invite but you would rather poke your own eyes out than talk to. You can just envision how condescending and know it all they would be. Really sensible as well … and they would wear grey … or beige.

You thought yesterday’s in-tray was bad, I bet you’re wishing you did more to get through it. I bet your inbox this morning was worse than yesterdays? Mainly because no one emailed you on Sunday. Everything urgent from yesterday that you hoped would just go away, is still there, pulsing with a vengeance. All the things that you left on Friday to do on Monday continues to wait, sitting impatiently, stagnant in your uninviting ‘to do’ tray. If it wasn’t done on Monday, it bloody well has to be done today.

Then you have your irritating swats who announce: “Tuesday is my most productive day” and you just want to throw them off the fire escape. Thankfully, I no longer work with the cheerleading brigade. I have traded them in for like minded Tuesday haters. It’s so important to surround yourself with people who get it. People who loathe Tuesday even  more than you do. You need these people. They are family.

Tuesday is also the day for the part timers to happily walk in and ask about your weekend. “Weekend? What’s a weekend again?” Yes. You know who you are. We want to be you. But if we were you, we would request Monday AND Tuesday off. You missed a trick part-timers. You could be at home right now, watching the DNA and lie-detector results from yesterday’s Jeremy Kyle.

It’s today that you’ll inevitably break your diet – again. You managed to hold off from cheating yesterday, but today brings the desperate need for eclairs. The real eclairs, with creme patisserie. You know the ones I mean, extra delicious, extra filling. Oozing with calories but you just don’t care. Maybe one with your cup of coffee. Elevenses perhaps? Well, why not? It is Tuesday after all..

I bet the train was busier as well. You thought yesterday was bad, but today was truly hell. Why? It’s the part-timers joining you on the commute. They weren’t there on Monday, and today they were. They took your seat as well. Of course they did. That was your seat. Everyone else knew it was your seat. No one else would dare sit there. Damn that person who not only gets a short week but also gets to sit down.

I bet you’re thinking about alcohol right now. How much would you like to sit quietly with your favourite wine? But you’re telling yourself you can’t, aren’t you? You’re saying to yourself: “I cannot drink today. It’s only Tuesday.” How very sensible. What a sensible day this is. No. It’s not sensible. Sundays are sensible but still know how to have fun. Monday and Tuesday are guilt filled. They know they cannot control you, so they make you feel guilty about all the fun you wish you were having. Father Tuesday. The priest from hell.

Is there anyway to beat the gloom? Well if there is, let me know. But here are a few tips to get you started on your road to a happier ugly day of the week.

  1. Give yourself something to look forward to. A good book, curling up on your sofa with a hot chocolate. Focus on it, picture it. There you are, under a blanket … ahhhhhh, bliss.
  2. Keep yourself really busy at work so you don’t have time to think about it. The last thing you need is for the this day to drag.
  3. Go out for drinks tonight or meet friends for lunch. A good whinge will help air everything out. Drag your colleagues. Bribe your housemate. Whatever it takes.
  4. If you haven’t already, go out and get a cup of your favourite designer coffee. We all know it’s a rip off but trust me, it will make you feel better.
  5. Find a good excuse NOT to go to the gym today.
  6. Rent a movie or go to cinema. Popcorn and a bag of M&Ms never fails to cheer me up. Go on your own if you have no friends. No need to worry about being seen, it’s Tuesday…
  7. Get drunk and spend tomorrow completely hung-over. People will think you’re so cool and hardcore to be partying this early in the week.
  8. Go to a Michelin star restaurant. Easier to get in and not as busy so the staff will be all yours for the evening.
  9. Treat yourself to something. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Maybe a pair of earrings from Accessorize or your favourite magazine.
  10. Always have a date on a Tuesday night. Even if it’s just a coffee or a few drinks, you need this. Go on. Text them now and see if they’re free.
  11. Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. Loads of people out there also have to face the Monday and Tuesday hell. Turn to the poor sod next you and give them a sympathetic look. They’ll understand. Or they’ll punch you and give you something real to complain about. Either way, feel the safety in numbers…
C U Next Tuesday…
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